


No Hetero

by Ruby2_0



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Charlie Bradbury & Dean Winchester Friendship, Dean Winchester as Batman, Dean has a Panty Kink, Fluff, M/M, Mentions of Harley Quinn/Poison Ivy, Panty Kink, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2016-08-27
Packaged: 2018-08-11 07:49:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7882822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ruby2_0/pseuds/Ruby2_0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a rough night with a couple of the most hetero, no homo dude-bros, Charlie and Dean develop the joke "no hetero". Cas tries to get in on the joke and fails in Dean's opinion. Castiel firmly believes he's executing the joke to perfection.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Hetero

**Author's Note:**

  * For [justlikedaylightsavingstime](https://archiveofourown.org/users/justlikedaylightsavingstime/gifts).



> This work is dedicated to the lovely Rosie aka Spud aka Justlikedaylightsavingstime as a thank you for graciously giving Ella (theangelcastiella) and I part two to Groovy Underwear. Please, go check out both parts. It'll be so worth it.
> 
> Warnings: cursing, heteronormative dude-bros,

The rumble of the impala’s engine normally calmed Dean, but now it just encouraged the bubbling anger in his chest. He was furious at pretty much no one, but himself. Maybe a tad bit was directed at the werewolf who almost mauled Charlie. Still, he’d say probably eighty-five percent was him taking the responsibility and dreading it.

Charlie sat awkwardly beside him, glancing at his stony expression every few moments. Sometimes she’d inhale dramatically, like she was about to say something. Mostly, she’d gawp like a fish, wide-eyed for a few before going back to nervously tapping her fingernails on her knee.

Finally, after about thirty minutes of this, a sound forced itself from the gaping pie hole. “Uhhh, Dean?”

“Shut up, Charlie.”

“Ah, ‘kay.” She slowly shifted in her seat to look through the window.

Dean knew he was being unreasonable and cruel, but he didn’t really care at the moment. All he wanted was to get a drink in his system, preferably more than one, so he could stop thinking altogether. There had been way too much of that lately.

After another ten minutes, Dean pulled into the local bar closest to their hunt.

As his luck would have it, his night had to get worse.

As soon as he and Charlie walked in, he recognized some of the most try-hard-masculine-dude-bros he’d ever known. He had worked a hunt with them in his 20s and, although they weren’t horrible people or hunters, the pair was just too annoying to deal with at any given time, but especially now.

And of course, they had to recognize him.

“Yo, man! It’s Winchester!” The chubby ginger, Ricky, practically shoves crewcut, aka Baxter, into the floor in getting his attention.

Baxter, which Dean thinks is a name only made for dogs and gerbils, says, “Yeah, and a way better looking ginger than you.”

Charlie’s head snaps over to Dean, flashing disgust, giving him this look like “Do we have to?”

He sighs and mouths “one drink” to her. He came for a drink and, damn it, he was going to get one.

Charlie and Dean shuffled their way to the table as the two men greet them. Baxter grabbed Dean’s hand and pulled him in for a shoulder-hug-back-pat thing. Something Charlie had dubbed the “bro hug; that weird shoulder handshake hug exchanged between two dude-bros”.

He smiled hesitantly, about to ask how they were, when Baxter blurted out, “No homo, dude.”

Before Dean could really react, Ricky did the same thing and repeated the “No homo.”

Charlie and Dean’s heads slowly turned to face each other with this weird _look_.

Tonight was going to be fucking odd.

 

* * *

 

 

The duration of their time with Dude-bro #1 and Dude-bro #2 was torturous and much longer than anticipated. The night was filled with bros and no homos and Dean swore if he heard the words “no homo” one more time, then he was going to start throwing punches.

Dean could practically feel Charlie straining to be polite the whole time. He guessed since there’s no talking reason to the unreasonable, she didn’t even lift a finger to try. However, at the last straw, she just got up and walked out. Dean was right behind her.

Baxter had said something like “Damn, that chick over there is hot.” Well, he probably said something a lot more shameful, but he didn’t care to remember exactly what was said.

“Yeah, she is,” Charlie huffed, “Oh, but no _homo_ , right?”

No response. The pair just kind of looked at her in awe at first, then this expression of “I hit the jackpot” overcame them. Realizing exactly what was going through the dude-bros’ minds, Charlie got up without saying a word further.

Now, they were sat back in the impala, Dean’s thoughts slowly making their way back to the hunt.

Yet again, his little sister figure/”bestie”, got that much closer to dancing the tango with a reaper. A little part of his brain told him he was being stupid. This wasn’t the big deal he was making it out to be. However, it was in Dean’s nature to be protective and that nature always overruled.

“So that sucked,” and before Dean could say anything in regards to the hunt “sucking” (because yeah, it did, wonder why), “The two dudes, I mean.”

“Yeah, sorry you had to deal with that,” he mumbled, eyes still trained on the road.

She sighed knowingly, “I don’t blame you.”

Dean could hear the double meaning in her words, but said nothing.

Unlike the last time he very obviously dropped the conversation, she didn’t retreat to her little corner.

“Dean, I’m serious. It’s not your fault. I’m the one that flubbed up. Plus, I’m still okay. Not a scratch on me! Okay, maybe a scratch, but you know what I mean.”

Slamming his hands on the wheel, he growled out, “That’s not the point!”

“Then what is the point, Dean!? Huh? To make you suffer over nothing?!”

“You’re—,” he yelled, but then took a breath and changed his tone to something more solemn. “You’re not nothin’.”

Charlie softened. She grabbed his right hand off the steering wheel and held it in both of her own, stroking it.

“I know that. But you shouldn’t beat yourself up. I love you and you shouldn’t get worked up over an almost. We’ll be more careful next time, okay?”

A smile cracked the stone and Dean stole his arm back to wrap it around Charlie and pull her in to kiss her forehead.

“I love you, too, kiddo.”

She looked up at him and pecked his cheek with a wide smile on her lips.

“But no _hetero_ , right?”

Dean and Charlie burst out laughing until they were gasping for air and a pain settled in their bellies.

“Yeah, sweetheart,” he chuckled. “No hetero.”

 

* * *

 

 

The phrase quickly became their go to inside joke (well, inside at first). It ended up in almost every conversation so the people around them began to catch on. At first it only came up when it was relevant in conversation, but then they began providing opportunities. Just ‘cause.

 

_“Comic Con,” she paused, cocking her head—something she definitely picked up from Cas—“Don’t tell me you’ve never at least heard of it.”_

_Dean cleared his throat, “Uh, no, no. I’ve heard of it. Just never been.”_

_“Looks like we’ll have to change that,” she winked. “You could totally rock a Batman cosplay, since I know you are_ in love _with him.” Dean tried to protest—he wasn’t in love with him…he just thought Batman was badass—, but she held up her hand and continued. “Which will be awesome because I’m going as Poison Ivy.”_

_Dean chuckled, “Oh god. I won’t have to kiss you, right? I mean I’d love to get down and dirty with Uma Thurman, but…”_

_“Oh! Oh god no, De. No, I’ll be searching for a Harley Quinn to make out with. No hetero, bro.”_

 

The first time Sam heard it, he was pretty confused, but after hearing it five times within the span of two hours, he resorted to threatening Charlie and Dean to make it stop. Needless to say, the threats were empty and the culprits knew it.

 

_The pop and creaking of the trunk startled Charlie out of her nap in the backseat. She took that as her signal to get out and gear up for the witch-bitch._

_“So Batman, whatcha got for me?”_

_He pulls out a newly cleaned handgun and checks the magazine then handed it to her. Charlie runs her hand over the cool metal, smirking to herself as an idea pops in her head._

_“Ooo,” she sensually caresses the gun with her fingertips. “Is this a gun or are you just happy to see me?” Her fist wraps around the barrel and jerks it up and down once._

_“No hetero,” she whispers and winks in a theatrically seductive manner._

_The two burst out laughing while Sam groans loudly. “I swear, the next time I hear that, I’m going to take that gun and hit you both over the head with it.”_

_“Wow, Sammy. Didn’t realize you were so kinky,” Dean says between bated breaths._

_Sam sets his jaw in one of his magnificent bitchfaces and starts walking away._

_“No hetero,” Charlie whispers in spite. Dean holds his hand over his mouth to hide his giggling._

_“I heard that!”_

 

No matter how many times Sam threatened them, it only got worse. Soon, they weren’t even able to touch each other without screaming.

 

_“So have you found your costume yet,” Charlie asked in between bites of her sandwich._

_Dean couldn’t care less about manners or politeness when it came to getting good food into his awaiting stomach. So he talked right along with chewing, much to Sam’s disgust (which was the point)._

_He shrugged. “No. Been busy. Can’t you make it for me?”_

_“You’re the handmaiden, not me,” she scoffed._

_“Ugh, no, I am not! I’m a strong, dashing knight who managed to save the people of Moondoor!”_

_Sam snorted into his leafy-whatever, “And I suppose you have a quest to save the princess as well?”_

_“Pfft. Of course,” he paused, “but no hetero, sweetheart.”_

_Sam moaned and banged his head on the table._

_“Actually, I was the Queen, might I remind you, my noble knight.”_

_Dean grinned. “That’s better.” He scooted out of his chair and said, “Beer anyone?”_

_“Dude, it’s noon,” Sam grumbled into the table; his nose was still shoved right against it._

_“That sure hasn’t stopped us before. Charlie?”_

_“Yes, please, handmaiden!”_

_Dean pointed at her, a faux stern look in his eyes. “Watch it!” He grabbed the beers and handed one to her. Their hands accidentally brushed and both of them immediately blurted out “No hetero!”_

_Sam’s head snapped up. “Oh my—would you guys stop!?”_

_Charlie pretended to think for a moment, “Nope! Gotta roll guys. Peace, bitches.”_

_She slapped Dean’s ass on her way out yelling, “NO HETERO!”_

_“I hate you guys.”_

 

It was so constant, Sam thought he would tear all of his luscious locks out.

 

_“How do I look? I don’t normally wear dresses on dates, but I saw this at the store and—” “Gorgeous, sweetheart. No hetero!”_

_“Don’t worry. I won’t tell, Sam.” “Oh, thank fucking god. I love you. No hetero.”_

_“Do you think these make my ass look big?” “Of course not, Dean bean. Your ass is the perfect size for my hand to slap with. No hetero.”_

_“Whoa, she’s a fine specimen.” “Not as fine as my ass.” “True. No hetero.”_

_“Can I see your panty collection? No hetero! I just need a good panty fashion show in my life.”_

_“Can I borrow a pair? I need to do laundry. No hetero.” “Yeah, but I think they’ll be too big.”_

_“Can I ask you a question?” “Don’t tell me you’re asking me on a date.” “Haha no. No hetero. Like_ actually _no hetero. That’s what my question is about.”_

 

Then, much to Sam’s amusement and Dean’s frustration, Cas started saying it. And just like with every other decidedly human thing, Castiel didn’t fully understand it.

He executed the joke at all the wrong times, when it just seemed to confuse everyone.

 

_The first time he said “No hetero” was at the witch hunt. They were outnumbered since the lone witch actually turned out to be a coven of four witches. Sam had barely taken out the last one with his busted up leg, when Dean prayed to Cas for help. Charlie had been knocked out by some spell and he had been thrown into a wall and was just now regaining his sight from hitting his head so hard on the brick wall._

_Cas flapped in front of him and kneeled down on one knee to become eyelevel with Dean’s slumped form._

_“Are you alright, Dean? Follow my finger. It’s standard medical procedure.”_

_Cas’s finger waved slowly in front of his face. Dean grumbled and swatted the hand away._

_“I’m fine. Go check on Charlie and Sammy.”_

_Castiel shook his head. “You are not fine. Allow me to properly assess your state of being and heal you first.” He brought his hand forward again, gently placing two fingers on Dean’s forehead._

_After a few moments of Cas and Dean just staring at each other, Cas with this squinty determination and Dean with a sort of confused glare, a surge of energy and relief flooded through his body. Dean felt like he could jump up and run a mile, now, which was surprising since he’d never felt so energized by Cas’s touch. He supposed maybe that conversation with Charlie had something to do with it._

_“Thanks, Cas.” He took Castiel’s offered hand and stood up with his help._

_“Of course. No hetero, Dean.”_

_He blinked very dramatically, which left him sort of embarrassed. “What?”_

_Cas walked to Charlie without an answer._

 

It was soon after that it became apparent to Dean that something wasn’t right. Cas only ever said the phrase to Dean, never to Charlie, or even Sam (although the joke wasn’t meant for someone of the same sex… but that hadn’t stopped him from saying it to Dean).

 

Then, just like Charlie and Dean, Castiel began saying it whenever they touched. Actually, even when Dean simply said Cas’s name.

Including once while he was in the middle of changing…

 

I wonder if Cas would like these _, Dean caught himself thinking._ Wait what?

_Dean missed the fluttering of feathers as he pulled his jeans over his legs. They were halfway over his thighs when he heard, “Dean, I sensed your longing.”_

_“Holy fuck!”_

_He swung around, tripping, and almost fell on his face if it weren’t for Cas’s sudden, strong grip on his hips._

_Dean’s wide green eyes met Cas’s. He thought if he were ever to wish to die, it would be in this moment with a pink blush on his cheeks, matching the satiny panties he was currently sporting._

_“Cas…”_

_Castiel cleared his throat and muttered, “No hetero,” before disappearing for at least three days._

 

Dean had enough. This was going to end the next time he heard the words leave those perfect pink lips…

Fortunately (or unfortunately—that’s to be determined) for Dean, it was practically seconds after the thought crossed his mind.

Castiel popped behind him again, but this time with his very clothed ass (well it was _technically_ clothed before…just with frilly women’s underwear…) sticking out of the fridge and on the premise of, again, “I felt your longing, Dean.”

Damn him and his longing.

And, again, he scared the bejeezus out of him.

“Cas! You gotta stop popping up behind me, man. You’re freaking me the fuck out.”

Cas did his signature head tilt and eye squint and those ethereal blue eyes made Dean’s knees quake whenever he just looked at him, especially all curious and wondering like he was now. He didn’t know why (really, he did, but he didn’t want to admit it to himself quite yet), but _fuck_ they did things to Dean. All his heart strings were getting pulled and these butterflies were going crazy and were kind of making him feel sick and—

Cas’s arms were around him. They were wrapped snug around his waist, but not too tight. Just enough to give him the warm and fuzzies and to make him feel so safe, which was a rarity in his life.

Dean didn’t really think about it when his arms slowly made their way to wrap around the angel. Best friends hug randomly, right? Except he was still holding the pie tin in his left hand, obstructing his ability to return the hug.

Cas pulled back before Dean could do much of anything and smiled the smallest of smiles, but just enough to make his head hurt with all sorts of confusing thoughts.

“No hetero,” Cas’s deep voice broke through his clouded mind and suddenly, he was reminded that there was a rampage to be had.

“Damn it, Cas. That’s not how you say it! You’re supposed to say it to a girl, like Charlie for example, and-and—Do you even know what it means? You don’t make any sense!”

He couldn’t really get any other words out of his mouth because on-the-spot rants were hard when you had those innocent, glistening blues in front of you. So he kind of just huffed and waited for Castiel to respond.

“But Dean, it makes perfect sense.”

“What? No, it doesn’t! Did you not hear a word I just said? Do you need me to explain the joke to you—?”

“No, I understand precisely what it means. And it does make sense.”

Dean slid the pie tin onto the counter and leaned on the space next to it. His jaw jumped as he tried to hold back anymore fight and just listen. Like what Charlie said, _don’t fight it, listen to it_. In this case, he guessed Cas was _it_. “How?”

A wide grin stretched over his dry lips. Cas stepped closer to him. Dean doesn’t think he’s seen this large of a beautiful smile on Castiel in quite some time. Maybe even when he was crazy. Oh wait. No, abort. Cas naked on his car was not the image he needed right now. Not while Cas stood smiling so sweetly in front of him.

“Well,” the gravel in his voice only seemed to increase as he grew closer to a whisper (and closer to Dean as well) and Jesus fuck that _voice_ , “It makes sense because I am not heterosexual.”

Whoa, okay. That was so not what you said to a guy when you were only inches from him. Now, the pink in his cheeks and other horror stories were coming back to him…

“Oh… What do you mean?”

“I’m a celestial being, Dean. Angels are not restricted by such things as sexuality, or even gender for that matter, like humans seem to be.”

That hope sparking in his chest which Dean was totally denying? Gone. Of course Cas would think it socially acceptable to tell a guy he wasn’t straight while standing this close. And of course angels wouldn’t be capable to even be in love or even like others, especially humans for that matter. Dean knew he was being irrational; he knew Cas liked him on some scale, but this was just too much for some unknown (totally known) reason.

“Oh.”

That hope was now replaced with that sinking, heavy feeling of rejection. A feeling Dean had become accustomed to and wished he never felt again. Not like this.

“But,” Cas placed a hand on Dean’s cheek—and yeah this is so hetero and standard for two dudes, “I do believe we are able to have and experience feelings, or at least I can, because I _know_ I have feelings for you. Ever since the garrison started questioning my abilities all those years ago, I knew what I was capable of because of you.”

Dean kind of just stares at him not really knowing what to think. He’s all dumbfounded, lips parted in anticipation (of what exactly?). He’s kind of getting some seriously mixed signals here.

“I feel I know the appropriate gesture to convey said feelings for your better understanding. I hope you reciprocate them.”

Now, Dean knows what his mouth was anticipating.

Castiel began leaning in, but stopped, lingering. He was just staring into his eyes like he was staring into his soul (let’s be honest, he probably was); the moment familiar to and alike so many of the ones before it. Cas was so damn slow to just get to the point. Was he hesitating because he was unsure of what his feelings meant? Dean could definitely understand that. He’d been the same way since the moment they met.

So instead of waiting for Cas to get in the right head space (which he later realized he already was, he was just waiting for _Dean_ to get in the right head space), he leaned forward just as Cas had begun leaning forward again. They finally, _finally_ meet in the middle.

It doesn’t seem real. The kiss is slow and soft and their lips are barely even brushing together. And it’s so fucking surreal because this is the kiss Dean’s being dreaming about since day one. Their lips are feather light against each other’s, but that’s all Dean needed to ignite all sorts of weird feelings slushing throughout his body. He couldn’t really comprehend what they were, but it was perfect and he had plenty of time to figure it out, hopefully.

This is exactly he wanted. The things, people, feelings that he wanted to experience differently? This was it. For the first time, Dean felt that if he died tomorrow, then all would be well and he would be happy.

Cas pulled back, seemingly in the middle of a never ending kiss, but he smiled at him elatedly and rested his forehead against Cas’s.

He sighed in content and Cas pecked his lips once more.

Dean smirked and said, “No hetero.”


End file.
